“I didn't marry you because you were perfect. I didn't even marry you because I loved you. I married you because you gave me a promise. That promise made up for your faults. And the promise I gave you made up for mine. Two imperfect people got married and it was the promise that made the marriage. And when our children were growing up, it wasn't a house that protected them; and it wasn't our love that protected them--it was that promise.”
― Thornton Wilder, The Skin of Our Teeth
If you're anything like me, you've probably read the above quote a couple of times trying to decide if you like it or not. I like the first line, the second line is not true (for me). I would certainly like to think our love protected our children. I find myself doing something we tell our couples to do. Ask yourself how you feel about something. After all, feelings usually drive actions more than facts. Yes, believe it or not, the emotional train usually starts with a thought process, which leads to how you feel about something, which leads to your actions. Don't believe me, try this example.
The company you work for is bought out by a larger company. They double your salary. You go home committed to your job and exclaim to your wife that your salary was doubled.
The company you work for is bought out by a larger company. They double your salary. They triple everyone elses. You go home to your wife feeling rejected and questioning if you should start looking for another job.
Now lets get back to the quote. Something people used to do a long time ago, before all the interest in sharing your feelings, was try to decide if something was true or not. So now lets go back to the quote, forget our feelings for a moment, and decide if the quote is true (or could be true). Personally, I believe it is. When looking back in time there were many arranged marriages. In fact, most marriages were arranged. And yes, I will admit there probably were many couples that did not love each other. Being a jerk crosses all ethnic, racial, age, and time constraints. But I would also submit to you that at least 80% of the couples in ancient times did, in fact love each other because of the promise above. You would enter into a partnership with another person where each role is plainly known, and carried out. And if you raise your children together and are blessed with grandchildren to help you in your old age, I would submit to you it would be difficult to look back at all of the years, both good times and bad, and not feel an emotional connection to that person which we associate with love. How could you not?
If you have read very many of my posts you will see that I associate the word love with actions more than emotions. This in no way means I don't have an emotional love for my wife. It just means that regardless of the feelings on any particular day, if I genuinely love my wife my actions should always show it. Do they? No. But that is the standard and if I'm looking at any other standard it is set to low. To low for a promise. To low for a promise such as the one above.
When you promise to love, honor, and cherish, you have made a promise. As we choose to look at how our partner is breaking their promise, we tend to forget we are breaking ours. To treat our spouse differently than we feel we are being treated, to speak to them differently than we feel they are speaking to us. We made a promise.
It is amazing how much influence one person can have on a relationship. It's human nature to treat others how they are treating you. If you are in a marriage that is based on a promise, it is different. You are treated with grace. Grace usually begets grace. Yes, there are those persons which will be jerks. As I said, they have been around from the beginning of time. Yet, to watch one partner decide they will keep their promise for 30 consecutive days without breaking it, regardless of feelings, is an amazing thing. It usually doesn't take longer than 7 days for someone to take notice, another 7 for them to start feeling self conscious about how they are acting, and 7 more for real changes to take place. But in a marriage of years, three weeks isn't bad to start moving a new direction. A direction based on a promise instead of a feeling.
