The Trouble With Feelings

   I believe both sexes believe that their attitudes about feelings are "right".  Unfortunately for the folks reading this blog, since I am a male I will definitely have a male bias, although hopefully it will be tempered with enough education to make sense to both sexes.

   As a man I find the area of feelings fascinating. Confusing but fascinating.  For those females reading this please take a moment and think from a mans perspective (if you dare).  Yes, men have feelings but we have learned from a very early age to suppress most of them.  This is not necessarily a bad thing contrary to the belief of a large number of women.  For example, let's just look at a couple of basic differences between the sexes while growing up.  Boys are more physical.  We like sports, we like fishing, we like competition. So lets take a 12 year old that strikes out in baseball who lets his emotions run wild, and put a nice wooden club in his hands.......not good.  Or how about someone that was tackled in football a bit too hard.  Often a fight will break out.  This is no way shape or form means women can't play sports because of their emotions.......they do.  But what it does mean is men are more prone to get physical when their emotions get the best of them.  If you'd care to argue this point just look at the domestic violence statistics.   Women tend to fight with words, men tend to fight with fists (or guns, or clubs, or whatever is handy).

   Now that I've laid the foundation, lets look at some very big positives about the emotional makeup of women.  I am aware that Loretta and I have children.  Loretta is aware of what is happening in their lives, who their friends are, and what trials and tribulations they are going through.  I listen to them when I see them, Loretta calls and asks how they are doing.  Men believe words are to convey information, women believe words are to convey feelings.  Big difference!

   So what could possibly be wrong with this system, what are the trouble with feelings.  The problem comes with empathy.  I believe it also comes with core values.  I believe that men and women see the values they hold differently.  Per my usual way of looking at things, my tendency will be to exaggerate, but the underlying principle (core value) remains the same.  So in the interest of observation.......

   Little Billy Brat gets a new puppy.  He promptly gives it a bone and teaches it to dig up Mrs. Grumbles flower garden.  Mrs. Grumble comes home to find her garden a mess.  She worked so hard on it.  This is how she spent her days while Mr. Grumble was away at work.  Mr. Grumble comes home from work and sees Mrs. Grumble in tears repairing her garden.  About that time Billy's father Mr. Brat comes home from work and finds out about the mess.  He sees Mrs. Grumble and apologizes for Billy's behavior and offers to buy Mrs. Grumble more flowers.  He also promises he will pay more attention and make sure Billy and his dog stay away from Mrs. Grumbles flower bed.

   Mrs. Grumble wants the police called and little Billy Brat to do 5-10 years hard time.  When she tells Mr. Brat that his child is of the devil, that she is going to beat him with a baseball bat and burn the Brat house down with everyone inside she looks to Mr. Grumble.  When Mr. Grumble doesn't say anything (mostly due to the surprise and the fact that the police are on the way), he is seen by Mrs. Grumble as the scum of the universe.  How could he possibly not care about her garden.  How could he possibly not care about here feelings.  HOW COULD HE POSSIBLY NOT CARE ABOUT HER!

   Now it's the next day.  Mrs. Grumble has softened her stance about burning the house down, but still thinks little Billy Brat should die.  Nothing short of a blood sacrifice will do.  When Mr. Grumble does not agree, he is accused of being uncaring and not supporting her. She will soon forget the flowers, but never the failure of Mr. Grumble to support her.

   Before all the men start saying how women have trouble containing their emotions, we can apply it to men also.  How about when Mrs. Grumble asks Mr. Grumble during the football party he is hosting with his friends if he remembered to pick up his prescription for Viagra!  My guess it wouldn't mean much to Mrs. Grumble.  Mr. Grumble might think it is a relatively large issue.   Again, the teasing will taper off, but Mr. Grumble will not forget Mrs. Grumble cutting him off at the knees and taking his manhood away from him in front of his friends.

   The trouble with feelings are they are exactly that.  Feelings. A spontaneous inner reaction to a person, place, or situation.  They are neither right or wrong. They don't last forever.  They are not a reason for murder (Mrs. Grumble) or an affair (Mr. Grumble). They are frequently not based on reality. They are merely part of being human.  Enjoy the pleasant feelings, understand the uncomfortable ones, but base your marriage on mutual love and respect.  Love, Honor, and Cherish.  These are not feelings, but actions.  They are things you do. These are the basis of a great marriage!

What I'm Not Thinking

   One of the comments I always make to our couples that come to the center is that I will be biased towards the man during our educational sessions.  This in no way means I don't care as much about the woman's point of view as the mans.  All it means is that I'm a man and I will understand the mans point of view easier.  I'm not saying I don't know what answers I'm supposed to give (my wife and I have had the same training).  All I'm saying is we need to be honest about whether or not we are biased in our thought process.  My wife finds it easier to empathize than I do, and I find it easier to block out emotions when I need to.  It's not bad or good, it just is.  In my opinion just realizing and admitting this goes a long way towards making sure both the man and the woman are heard.

   Which brings me in a round about way to the title of this post "What I'm Not Thinking".  I have one relationship which I think of as a relationship. The marriage I have with Loretta.  All others are friendships (in my opinion).  I never used the word relationship until I married.  I think about my marriage with Loretta, but give very little thought to the friendships I have with others, which are one of the things I'm not thinking about.  It doesn't mean that I don't care, it means if there is nothing wrong or nothing happening then why think about it?  Unfortunately some men think this way about their marriage. For members of the opposite sex that are having a little trouble understanding, think of it this way.  If an old friend I haven't heard from in a year asked if I wanted to go fishing, I'd say "sure".  I would be thinking about the fishing trip and what pole, line, and bait I would use (so I could catch more fish and "rub it in").  I would also have the realization that he would be doing the same thing so he could "rub it in" when he caught the most fish.  I'd also be thinking about the day, and the boat. I would be thinking about things. What I'm not thinking about are the conversations and the "relationship".  Having a good time is a given.  I don't need to think about it.  If my friend told me he wanted to go fishing to work on our "relationship" I would not go fishing with him.  My guess is he wouldn't have many takers that were men. Men in general don't think about relationships, they enjoy friendships.

   I have been told that newborn babies have gender differences even before they are old enough to know any gender.  Newborn girls focus on faces, newborn boys focus on the mobile.  Both like to be held and loved.  Boys play with cars (shoulder to shoulder), girls play tea (face to face).  As they get older, boys play with cars (things), girls are social (people).  Yes these are gender stereotypes and yes there are exceptions, however if you look at the trends they are accurate.  I met with my father and my brothers for breakfast one morning.  After an hour I came home and was asked how my sister in law was doing.  I said fine (I've learned to ask).  However, my father and brothers talked about our careers, what was wrong with the political system, how to fix it, what was new in technology, what was new in science, what cars we liked and why, and who had the best football team.  What we did not talk about were our friends, family (some, but not much by my wife's opinion), or how we felt about anything.  Not that we don't have feelings, they're just not at the top of our list to talk about (and often times not even on the list).

   Now before you judge myself, brothers and father so harshly, I would be willing to bet that a lot of other men are not too far from where we are.  Yes, we do care about our families and our feelings.  Those we share with our wives.  Most men are just naturally curious about how things work.  Most women care about how people feel.  It's not bad, it's not good, it just is.

 

Can Love Ruin a Marriage?

     What kind of question is "Can Love Ruin a Marriage"?  Well, can it?  What if you're no longer "in love" with your spouse? Before we start let's take a moment to define it.  I've heard the phrases "I love football", "I love my car", "I love my wife", "I love Italian food", and "I love my cat".  Below is what I came up with when I Googled a definition for love. 

noun

1. 1.

   an intense feeling of deep affection.
2. 2.

   a person or thing that one loves.

verb

     1.   

feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone).

   I would submit to you that everything I mentioned at the top of the post would fit the definition as a noun.  Ah, you say, so the definition for my spouse must be the verb.  Not exactly.  Although I hope you do have a deep romantic and sexual attraction to your spouse I would hope that you love your parents and family and feel no such attraction to them!  

   Using the definition of love listed above, it will in fact ruin a marriage.  The problem lies in that it is based on a feeling, or emotion.  When the feeling is gone, you no longer love that person.  When you no longer love the person, the tendency is to believe the feeling will last forever.  After all, didn't you believe the "in love" feeling would last forever before you were married?  In order for love to in fact hold a marriage together we must redefine it.  I'll take a stab at a new definition by plagiarizing an old author. 

   Love is patient and kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude or self seeking, and it is not easily angered.  It keeps no record of wrongs. It does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

                                                                                                          Paul

  I believe the author above hit the nail on the head.  The most ironic thing I have found about using the last definition is when I practice those things as best I can I seem to have the feelings in the first definition towards my wife.  The really nice thing about this definition is I can love my parents and family all the while creating a strong emotional bond.  I have witnessed many couples decide on this kind of love as an act of will, and take a marriage void of emotional love and completely change it.  This kind of love will never ruin a marriage, but always make it stronger.  The strongest emotional ties almost always come after the actions.

   In a book by C.S. Lewis, an elder demon pointed this out to his apprentice by making this comment:

   "They regard the intention of loyalty to a partnership for mutual help, the preservation of chastity, and for the transmission of life as something lower than a storm of emotion."

   If we would all choose Paul's definition we could have both.

The Measure of a Man

   What is the measure of a man? Since this blog is about “The Truth about Marriage” this might sound a bit off topic. Marriage is about “we” and “us”, but it would seem to me the raw material you start with might have a little effect on the outcome. Don't we travel the world looking for our “soul-mate”?

So what is the measure of a man? In search of this answer (and how it applied to marriage) I asked my wife. Not sure about the rest of you, but my wife was able to give me a rather detailed list of what a good husband should be. I was able to check a few boxes on the list, but not all. Not even remotely close to all. Somehow I'll bet if most men asked their wives they'd get a similar response.

I thought for a moment about men I admired in history. One of my favorites was Abraham Lincoln. A man who is associated closely with the abolition of slavery. Why was he willing to risk dividing a whole country on the issue of slavery? In his day it was a common practice so evidently a lot of people saw nothing wrong with it, or at least didn't say anything. It is the why to this question that I believe is the true measure of a man. What was his moral compass? What is my moral compass?

I got married for many selfish reasons, although I didn't realize it at the time. Loretta made me “happy”, I longed to be with her, she brought out the best in me, she fulfilled a longing in my heart. Although these things were written in past tense (as in the day I married her) I still feel this way, and they are still selfish. Why? Because they are all about me and my happiness, and not about hers. They are also a poor example of the measure of a man.

I believe the true measure of a man lies in his ability to develop traits within himself. Is he patient and kind? Is he boastful and is he envious of what others have? Does he become angry easily and keep a long list of those who have wronged him? Does he rejoice in the failure of his enemies or is he happy when those around him succeed, even if the blessing missed him? Does he protect those who can't protect themselves and does he think the best of others?

You could sum the above paragraph up with one sentence, what is his ability to love others? I believe this is the true measure of a man. It is of great value simply because by being who he is he will lead others the same direction. I also believe this is his primary duty to his wife and family. Her happiness is a fleeting target which will change day to day. Most women long to be known and loved. To be able to love his wife and his family,not for what they do for him (my selfish reasons for getting married) but for who they are, that is the true measure of a man.