One of the comments I always make to our couples that come to the center is that I will be biased towards the man during our educational sessions. This in no way means I don't care as much about the woman's point of view as the mans. All it means is that I'm a man and I will understand the mans point of view easier. I'm not saying I don't know what answers I'm supposed to give (my wife and I have had the same training). All I'm saying is we need to be honest about whether or not we are biased in our thought process. My wife finds it easier to empathize than I do, and I find it easier to block out emotions when I need to. It's not bad or good, it just is. In my opinion just realizing and admitting this goes a long way towards making sure both the man and the woman are heard.
Which brings me in a round about way to the title of this post "What I'm Not Thinking". I have one relationship which I think of as a relationship. The marriage I have with Loretta. All others are friendships (in my opinion). I never used the word relationship until I married. I think about my marriage with Loretta, but give very little thought to the friendships I have with others, which are one of the things I'm not thinking about. It doesn't mean that I don't care, it means if there is nothing wrong or nothing happening then why think about it? Unfortunately some men think this way about their marriage. For members of the opposite sex that are having a little trouble understanding, think of it this way. If an old friend I haven't heard from in a year asked if I wanted to go fishing, I'd say "sure". I would be thinking about the fishing trip and what pole, line, and bait I would use (so I could catch more fish and "rub it in"). I would also have the realization that he would be doing the same thing so he could "rub it in" when he caught the most fish. I'd also be thinking about the day, and the boat. I would be thinking about things. What I'm not thinking about are the conversations and the "relationship". Having a good time is a given. I don't need to think about it. If my friend told me he wanted to go fishing to work on our "relationship" I would not go fishing with him. My guess is he wouldn't have many takers that were men. Men in general don't think about relationships, they enjoy friendships.
I have been told that newborn babies have gender differences even before they are old enough to know any gender. Newborn girls focus on faces, newborn boys focus on the mobile. Both like to be held and loved. Boys play with cars (shoulder to shoulder), girls play tea (face to face). As they get older, boys play with cars (things), girls are social (people). Yes these are gender stereotypes and yes there are exceptions, however if you look at the trends they are accurate. I met with my father and my brothers for breakfast one morning. After an hour I came home and was asked how my sister in law was doing. I said fine (I've learned to ask). However, my father and brothers talked about our careers, what was wrong with the political system, how to fix it, what was new in technology, what was new in science, what cars we liked and why, and who had the best football team. What we did not talk about were our friends, family (some, but not much by my wife's opinion), or how we felt about anything. Not that we don't have feelings, they're just not at the top of our list to talk about (and often times not even on the list).
Now before you judge myself, brothers and father so harshly, I would be willing to bet that a lot of other men are not too far from where we are. Yes, we do care about our families and our feelings. Those we share with our wives. Most men are just naturally curious about how things work. Most women care about how people feel. It's not bad, it's not good, it just is.
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